Changes

So lately i haven't been feeling like myself.. Like i haven't had the energy to get up for school && i don't want to go to work.. Maybe I'm depressed again or something idk but somethings not right.. My boyfriend has been acting different && just UGH everything is all bad.. Today i had a paper to turn into my writing 101 class and i couldn't even get up the energy to go to school and turn it it.. I did the assignment and everything too.. I feel like I'm letting everybody down.. My mom paid a lot of money for me to be in college and I'm just slacking BAD! On top of that; yeah i just got promoted and got a raise but i just don't want to go to work anymore.. i love making money but idk where my motivation went.. Just one day i changed.. && like I've been overreacting on everything.. i always think my boyfriend is cheating on me or something or he's gonna break up with me randomly again.. i have no faith.. maybe i just need to get away for a while.. I have guys trying to talk to me and i keep talking to them KNOWING i have a boyfriend.. i mean I'm not gonna do anything with them but idk why i keep talking to them.. I don't like them and i love my boyfriend.. I'm confused && feel like i have nobody to talk to.. hence; blogging. Well I've been trying to get my boyfriend to come over for the past hour and he's not coming sooooo we'll see how the day goes.. Melissa has her boyfriend over so i can't really talk to her.. smh.. idk anymore..

Stupid girl.

!@#$%^&* Sooo icalled in to my work on sunday to see what days iwork this week and this girl lindsey.. who is like the laziest girl at my job picks up the phone and iask her to give me my hours.. she tells me iwork wednesday at 5:30... so wednesday comes along which is obviously today, and ishow up at my work.. let me just say that idont have a car so ihave to catch the bus to work and it's kinda a hastle to get there.. but anyways ishow up at work and my boss is like oh your not supposed to work today...wtf? igo look at the schedule posted on the wall and idont work until tomorrow.. jeeeeeeeez so i went all the way down there for NOTHING. shit that girl needs to get fired.. thank the lord she's leaving soon. ugh. what a waste of my day.

Wth .

Ughhhhh so far today has been the worst day I've had for a while.. Today would have been me and my ex boyfriends 7 month being together . I realized istill imiss him but wtf can ido about that? NOTHING . wow & then me and my "best friend" get in a fight & she basically agrees with me to move out. THATS FUCKING GREAT . where the fuck am i gonna go. Cuz oh yeah ilive with her.. & I was so close to my boyfriend the whole time we were together, that i pushed all of my close friends away.. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out & i'm so confused. Everybody keeps telling me to stop trying to make other people happy and do what makes me happy...ithought iwas ? Idunno. Soo ihave no idea wtf i'ma do. We can't live in the same room not talking & i sure in hell am not gonna let her to continue to talk to me with such disrespect. I'm fucking tired of it. I let her push me around, yeah I'll admit it, she takes advantage of me cuz she knows iwont say anything to her but when ifinally say something she tells me to get the fuck outta her room? WTF? wow && this is my family folks.. Man fuck my life. Everywhere igo i just cause problems && intrude on ppl's lives. Man idunno anymore.. The 18th bday is on Monday && i'm not even excited about it.. What does it matter that I'm turning 18 && to who ? It's 3 fucking 30 in the morning & I'm WIDE AWAKE. ineed some help.. :'( && maybe ineed to reconsider who i open myself up to from now on... I'm not a fucking push over. FUCK .

Love, Live Life, Proceed, Progress .

Uhhh so today i called my new boss to get my schedule & i have to go in on Thursday for orientation & then I'm going to start working probably on Monday, which is also my 18th birthday. Wow things are going pretty good for me right now. I have a job, a steady home (finally) and a new guy in my life who i actually really like. He's not like all the other assholes I've dated. I'm so excited to start working and be making my own money :) Monday I'm going in to get my 2nd tattoo.. it's gonna be on the back of my neck & say "Love, Live life, Proceed, Progress" ha ha yes i know it's from a Lil Wayne song but it makes alot of sense to me, and i really like that quote sooooo therefore I'm getting it tattoo'd :) Things are going great between me & my mom.. we've been talking and so far so good.. My dad's outta my life right now but it's really no biggie to me, and last Saturday my "love" broke up with me and i haven't been thinking about him AT ALL . I'm all good... I'm done crying over him.. I have too many good things going for me in my life right now to be worried about his self absorbed ass. Ha ha Life is great :-D

Sorry baby , It's over .

Did i do something wrong ? Like , am i that bad ? Am i total bitch && just don't know it ? Somebody please tell me if i am missing something cuz i feel completely CLUELESS. I just lost my dad , my mom , && the love of my life all in a matter of months... My dad hates me , my mom doesn't want to talk to me , && my ex is fed up with my shit. I feel so alone , like i have nobody there.. My friends keep telling me not to trip on my ex, oh "he's not worth your tears" && you can find a better guy.. but the problem is.. i don't want another guy.. i want HIM. Henry Maurice Jamerson IV. I thought we were gonna be together forever, && no I'm not just saying that.. I was really in love ! && Now all of that is gone.. My whole world turned around && now i have to start all over.. I've been thinking about why we broke up for the past like 6 hours && i see why we did. I just kept pushing && pushing & i didn't want to trust him && i just assumed he was like the rest so i would question him on EVERYTHING. This is so typical for me.. I have something good && then for some stupid reason i push it away. Why do you think i don't live with either of my parents..

I mean yeah , it wasn't always me who started the fighting but i sure did do most of it. Man i just don't know what to do anymore.. I've been crying so much i don't think i have any tears left in me... & no I'm not feeling sorry for myself.. just stating the facts. Yeah i know if i wanted i could go message that guy back && be with him but i don't want to.. Fuck I'm stuck. Somebody help me before i do something stupid.. I feel like i have no control over my emotions.. I look back && see how happy we were when we first started going out , 6 months ago.. && i want that back ! I know it's gonna take time but damn daddy i want it now. I want to be happy again. I love waking up knowing there's somebody who loves me too. I love the feeling i get when i haven't seen him for a while && i just don't want to let go. I love seeing his name on aim when he messages me in the morning.. ugh i want it all back ! :-/

Pshh,

Wow. My mom came up from California for my graduation this weekend && she made every body's life LIVING HELL. she was so rude to my cousin who didn't do anything to her at all && she talked so much shit on my family it's crazy. I swear she is living in her own little world. She comes up here && then ignores my calls because i want to see my other family too. WTF!? that's so immature. I wish both of my parents could just get over themselves & grow up. I never ask my mom to see my other family but i thought oh just maybe she can suck it up for ONE FUCKING DAY OF HER LIFE && sit with them at my graduation just to make me happy. But no she gets all mad && ignores me the whole time she's up here. She was up here for 5 days && i probably saw her for a total of 2 hours the whole time she was up here. Wow great job mom. Ugh && when she's leaving she brings my sister over so i can say bye && we go to mcd's && she SITS AT ANOTHER TABLE && then doesn't even say goodbye, i love you or nothing. Man if i died she would feel like SHIT. She is so rude && embarrassed me at my softball game. HAHAHAHAHA && she wonders why i don't come home.. That's exactly it right there. She hasn't changed && she's not trying to either. It seems like she's just telling me what i want to hear on the phone so I'll come back. I'm not stupid ! She's controlling && lets her girlfriend run everything ! Mann both of my parents are like that. Like when we were renting a car my mom didn't want a bigger car cuz it was too expensive, but oh her girlfriend wanted one so they got it. Great job, way to stand up for what you want.. OMG && don't even let me get on the subject of my dad && his bitch.

Anyways....My mom ruined my weekend && I'm probably not gonna talk to her for a long time but whatever that's her fault. If she really wanted to see me, she would have sucked up her past grudges && sat with my other family for 2 hours.. WOW && she had told me that we were gonna do something after my grad so my other family cancelled my party && changed it to the next day so i could but then my mom IGNORES MY CALLS so i end up not going with her.. i can't believe her ! GROW UP!!! when I'm married && have kids && she's not around.. I'm tell her exactly why she's not. ugh

PeaceNLove plz.

Family right?

My grandmother just recently moved in with me this weekend & she knows that me and my dad's girlfriend or whatever you wanna call her.. baby's mom, super bitch etc... Anyways she knows we don't get along... Like at all && because of her me && my dad don't get along anymore. This lady (dad's girlfriend) has basically ton my whole fucking family apart. Last summer i was supposed to go to Washington to visit my dad for a while.. So she calls my mom to tell her i can come & something goes wrong && they get into it.. No let me correct myself... She starts yelling & screaming at my mom like my mom was some kind of kid or something. So my mom gets mad && says she doesn't want me around her so i don't go.. Thanks bitch.. About a year passes by && i move in with my dad and what not && she's the same lying ass bitch she has been her ENTIRE LIFE ! She knows how to play the game and she plays it well. She works the system and gets free food every month && all she fucking does is sit in her room && smoke that herb. Wow your pretty smart. With 4 kids in the house? I mean c'mon now..lets be real.. GROW UP.

My dad is an alcoholic && on top of that he smokes weed with the bitch. One day his "drug dealer" comes to the house && then he goes in his room&& smokes.. It bothered me but it was whatever... A few minutes later i ask if i can go over to my cousins house && he says no. He starts acting all stupid && idk hat the fuck is wrong with him.. i guess he's just high off his ass. So i tell him I'm leaving.. I'm moving out.. I'm gone.. peace mothafucka.... I leave && his stupid ass GETS IN THE CAR && CHASES AFTER ME while he's high && with no license or insurance. yeah your real smart dude. The thing that really pissed me off was that we started fighting and i was yelling at him telling him how much he has hurt me in my life && all he does is laugh in my face..? Oh yup I'm done with him too. I really don't need a dad. I've gone 18 years without one I'm pretty sure i can go another 18.

Back to what i was saying.. so i live w my auntie now && I'm actually happy. wow. JESSICA IS HAPPY GUYS! for once in my life.. but this weekend my grandparents move in.. yeah my grandma is on my dad && his bitch's side. We were sitting at dinner tonight and she was telling me how wrong i was for leaving && how the bitch didn't mean what she said & blah blah blah.. you get the picture? She was just throwing it in my face how wrong i am && how right they are && i need to be apologizing. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA never in my life will i apologize to my dad for that day or to his stupid ass baby's mom. NEVER. they did me so wrong it's disgusting. So idk how much longer i can handle her trying to get me to talk to them && admit I'm wrong.. yeah not gonna happen. I'm graduating in 5 days... 5 DAYS ! the last thing on my mind right now is my dad && his problems.. he's never been there for me so why should i care about his drug using, alcoholic self?

She's Out To Get Me.

Todayyy is the last day for grades to be posted for seniorss && they determine if we walk or not.. The samee teacher who called security on me said that my final project was plagiarized && i had to do theee whooooleee thing over. OMG that took me like a week to do && i now have like 2 hours to do it all over. I swear she hates me or something. She gave me a zero for these video notes we did last week that i TURNED IN because she said i was "talking" wtf? haha it's like amusing how much she really does not like me. && i don't even do anything to her. ugh

Well i'll find out later if i'm walking at graduationn or not :/ eeehh . So freakin nervous.. All my other grades are good except for her class. MS LENHART! I hateeee her. Fuck

Thisssss Bitchh

At my school, the principle was starting to get mad cz all these girls were wearing these little ass shorts && shit, so he decided to make this big announcement && have a meeting witt all the teachers saying that if you wear "inappropriate" clothes your gonna be suspended. UHMM HELLOOOO.. it's like 90 fuckin degrees outside...but anyways i come to school the next day in a tank top. I have big boobs.. ha ha like on the real tho i have em, && they're not gonna go anywhere, i can't get rid of them; they're there. So i go to first period.. my teacher doesn't say anything, but she wouldn't anyways cz she's the best teacher.. & i go to 2nd period.. EVEN SHE DIDN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING... i show up to 3rd period && this busted ass bitch tells me to pull up my shirt because "it's embarrassing". Uhm excuse me? So i tell her well they're there && their not gonna go away so there's nothing i can do about it. I pull my shirt up as much as i can && she calls security on me! WTF? i'm like oh no.. i have 6 days left of high school && your really gonna try && get me suspended..c'mon now. so the security guard takes me to the discipline center && i talk with one of the administrators.. he takes my name down andd yadda yadda yaa... they say they don't see anything wrong with my shirt.. THANK YOU!!! but since my teacher complained && said it was a "distraction" i had to put this big ass shirt over the one i was wearing.



Wow she had to go through all that trouble && have security come down && take me outta class for a fuckin shirt that i didn't even get in trouble for?! ha ha good one. Man i hate teachers who have sticks up their asses these days.. GET A LIFE (: whatever i have 5 days left at this whackass school anyways && then i don't have to deal witt this busted ass teacher anymore.. ha ha.