Growing Up Isnt As Easy As It Seems To Be . . .

Anxiety is my weakness, at any type of stress or hard times i go through.. my anxiety is through the roof. Anyways.. about 2 weeks ago my boyfriend's baby was born, & no I'm not the mother. We've been together going on 8 months now & i've known about this girl being pregnant for like 6 months. Yeah, I accepted it & stayed with him but I never though it would be this hard. The day the baby was born I just wanted to cry & cry . . It's hard when somebody you love so much is having a baby with another person. Lets make this story a little more interesting . . About 10 months ago i was pregnant myself, but it turned out that I have a birth defect witch makes it very hard for me to have kids.. I lost my baby at four months. That must have been the hardest thing I've had to go through in the 19 years that I've been living. I didn't know if it was gonna be a boy or a girl, but for some reason I knew in my heart it was a boy.. I was gonna name him Jayden Deshawn Cooper.. I was so excited to finally be a mom.. & when I lost the baby my heart broke.. I wasn't myself for months! And still to this day, I cry about it. Well, the baby that my boyfriend just had, his name is Jayden & that makes everything just a little bit harder to deal with. I dont really know how to act because here I am supposed to be accepting the situation & the baby but as soon as somebody talks about it or I see pictures I just shut down & get in this funky mood. I have all these emotions running through my head. I'm sad, mad, confused, jealous, hurt, & I envy the girl. She has a man who actually wants to be in the baby's life & she wants nothing to do with him. IS SHE STUPID?? Do you know how many women wished they had a guy who wanted to be in his kids lives? Shit doesn't make sense, and she just took advantage of having her son.. like, if you knew you didnt want the father around & you knew you weren't ready why have the baby? I feel like she just used him to get pregnant.. Idk.. But on top of everything thats going on.. A day after this baby was born, my boyfriends OTHER babys mom shows up to the hospital, brings her daughter that she has with my boyfriend & visits this girl & her baby.. BEFORE MY BOYFRIEND GOT TO SEE HIS OWN SON. How fucking selfish can you be? These girls seriously have issues.. What would make you wanna keep your child from seeing their father? Ugh. Anyways.. I know i can't just leave because I love him with all my heart & I told him I accepted the situation a long time ago but this is killing me.. Maybe i just need to get away for a while.. who knows.. I just hope all this drama is over soon because every day im just stressed out to the max. smh...

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Maybe I'm Selfish ?

so as everybody may knows.. me & my boyfriend broke up in September... we were broken up for about a good month.. && during that time i was talking to a guy.. he claimed we were together even though he never asked me out.. i liked him a lot but deep down inside i knew i was still in love with my ex boyfriend.. i let that get in the way of me and this guy getting closer.. i told him i didn't want to be in a relationship because i had recently started talking to my ex & i KNEW we weren't over .. I'm NOT a player or anything close to that .. but i felt stuck.. my ex told me he wanted to be together again & i couldn't find it in myself to say no .. even though i had this other guy that i LIKEd.. i still LOVED him.. so here were these two great guys both wanting to be with me.. and i was caught in the middle.. i HAD to choose.. i think we all know who i chose, my ex.. who is now my boyfriend at the time.. && whom i LOVE .. but anyways.. the guy i was talking to started talking to another girl && was posting stuff on myspace & facebook and i DID NOT like it AT ALL .. i knew i still liked him but i didn't want to so i deleted him off facebook and myspace.. he texted me asking what was up & i told him .. eventually i added him again but then he got serious with this new girl && started actin hella rude toward me so i deleted him again .. i even deleted all the text messages from him in my phone along with his number .. every now and then i come across his page & i ALWAYS see something about his new girl .. it makes me SO MAD . like , i don't want to be with him but i don't like seeing him with another girl .. i don't understand . UGH like whyyyyy do i feel like that ?? i have this amazing boyfriend who i love && wanna marry but I'm still worried about some other dude ?? wtf is wrong w/ me ?? when i sit back and think about it , it makes me feel selfish ! chz who am i to get mad at him for being with another girl when i basically left him for my ex who he helped me get over when we first broke up && he was there for me when i was going through it .. man idk .. i feel like shit every time i think about it .. i guess we'll see what happenss .. but in the mean time maybe i should just forget about him.. LITERALLY . smhhh .. where's my baby ???

Changes

So lately i haven't been feeling like myself.. Like i haven't had the energy to get up for school && i don't want to go to work.. Maybe I'm depressed again or something idk but somethings not right.. My boyfriend has been acting different && just UGH everything is all bad.. Today i had a paper to turn into my writing 101 class and i couldn't even get up the energy to go to school and turn it it.. I did the assignment and everything too.. I feel like I'm letting everybody down.. My mom paid a lot of money for me to be in college and I'm just slacking BAD! On top of that; yeah i just got promoted and got a raise but i just don't want to go to work anymore.. i love making money but idk where my motivation went.. Just one day i changed.. && like I've been overreacting on everything.. i always think my boyfriend is cheating on me or something or he's gonna break up with me randomly again.. i have no faith.. maybe i just need to get away for a while.. I have guys trying to talk to me and i keep talking to them KNOWING i have a boyfriend.. i mean I'm not gonna do anything with them but idk why i keep talking to them.. I don't like them and i love my boyfriend.. I'm confused && feel like i have nobody to talk to.. hence; blogging. Well I've been trying to get my boyfriend to come over for the past hour and he's not coming sooooo we'll see how the day goes.. Melissa has her boyfriend over so i can't really talk to her.. smh.. idk anymore..

Stupid girl.

!@#$%^&* Sooo icalled in to my work on sunday to see what days iwork this week and this girl lindsey.. who is like the laziest girl at my job picks up the phone and iask her to give me my hours.. she tells me iwork wednesday at 5:30... so wednesday comes along which is obviously today, and ishow up at my work.. let me just say that idont have a car so ihave to catch the bus to work and it's kinda a hastle to get there.. but anyways ishow up at work and my boss is like oh your not supposed to work today...wtf? igo look at the schedule posted on the wall and idont work until tomorrow.. jeeeeeeeez so i went all the way down there for NOTHING. shit that girl needs to get fired.. thank the lord she's leaving soon. ugh. what a waste of my day.

Wth .

Ughhhhh so far today has been the worst day I've had for a while.. Today would have been me and my ex boyfriends 7 month being together . I realized istill imiss him but wtf can ido about that? NOTHING . wow & then me and my "best friend" get in a fight & she basically agrees with me to move out. THATS FUCKING GREAT . where the fuck am i gonna go. Cuz oh yeah ilive with her.. & I was so close to my boyfriend the whole time we were together, that i pushed all of my close friends away.. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out & i'm so confused. Everybody keeps telling me to stop trying to make other people happy and do what makes me happy...ithought iwas ? Idunno. Soo ihave no idea wtf i'ma do. We can't live in the same room not talking & i sure in hell am not gonna let her to continue to talk to me with such disrespect. I'm fucking tired of it. I let her push me around, yeah I'll admit it, she takes advantage of me cuz she knows iwont say anything to her but when ifinally say something she tells me to get the fuck outta her room? WTF? wow && this is my family folks.. Man fuck my life. Everywhere igo i just cause problems && intrude on ppl's lives. Man idunno anymore.. The 18th bday is on Monday && i'm not even excited about it.. What does it matter that I'm turning 18 && to who ? It's 3 fucking 30 in the morning & I'm WIDE AWAKE. ineed some help.. :'( && maybe ineed to reconsider who i open myself up to from now on... I'm not a fucking push over. FUCK .

Love, Live Life, Proceed, Progress .

Uhhh so today i called my new boss to get my schedule & i have to go in on Thursday for orientation & then I'm going to start working probably on Monday, which is also my 18th birthday. Wow things are going pretty good for me right now. I have a job, a steady home (finally) and a new guy in my life who i actually really like. He's not like all the other assholes I've dated. I'm so excited to start working and be making my own money :) Monday I'm going in to get my 2nd tattoo.. it's gonna be on the back of my neck & say "Love, Live life, Proceed, Progress" ha ha yes i know it's from a Lil Wayne song but it makes alot of sense to me, and i really like that quote sooooo therefore I'm getting it tattoo'd :) Things are going great between me & my mom.. we've been talking and so far so good.. My dad's outta my life right now but it's really no biggie to me, and last Saturday my "love" broke up with me and i haven't been thinking about him AT ALL . I'm all good... I'm done crying over him.. I have too many good things going for me in my life right now to be worried about his self absorbed ass. Ha ha Life is great :-D